Jan 27, 2008


I've been feeling inauthentic lately. It's probably because it's our rush period here at pika, which means that dozens of new people have been over at our house every day. This is really terrific from a rush perspective, but I kind of max out on it after a while.

Hence I feel inauthentic, not-myself, not-really-who-I-want-to-be. I find myself talking to people and only afterwards realize that what I said was 90% idle chatter (most of which is funny, light-hearted, and kind of pieced together every example I've ever seen of how to be entertaining in social situations) and 10% Real Meaning. It's not that I'm making stuff up, it's just very superficial. I feel as though I'm in a huge crowded swimming pool, and everybody's splashing around and whatnot, and I've got my eyes closed and I keep wincing from all the splashing. It takes so much energy to keep the water out of my eyes and keep treading that I haven't managed to discuss much beyond the metaphorical equivalent of sunblock and potato chips. It's fun for a little while, but too much of it leaves a hollow feeling behind.

It's not a comfortable place to be, really - I don't thrive so much on the "buzz" as I wither. Over the past few days, I've watched - as so many shadows and sunbeams passing overhead - various real things occur in my life, but I seem unable to make my way over to the side of that darn swimming pool and haul myself out in order to think about it. There are so many people in the way! And they're all my friends! Escaping one's friends, even for a little, is particularly difficult, seeing as one never wants to do it. But still, all my responses to the world are currently set on "rapid-fire"; it's as if I've momentarily forgotten how to seriously consider anything, so everything I do is sourcing from the easily-available repository of niceties. How boring.

Unsticking myself from this mess is proving difficult. At the end of the day, I find that the stress of it all has made my stomach complain, and so, instead of having a Real Conversation (which is what I actually want), or even just sitting quietly in the presence of another human being, I mostly flop in to bed and focus on feeling better, which takes just as much superficial energy as being a social butterfly. There's got to be some balance, but finding it requires a blend of will power, planning, and lucidity that I've been missing for a few days.

Maybe I should take a walk. Maybe that'll clear the brain.

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